Elves (1989)
Directed by Jeffrey Mandel
Gremlins was such a huge hit that it sparked a long list of ripoffs like Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies and even Elves. I wasn’t even aware that this movie existed until a couple years ago. I suppose it is a little surprising that there aren’t more movies about elves, aside from the Will Ferrell classic Elf! The idea intrigued me and I was sold on watching it when I saw Grizzly Adams aka Dan Haggerty was the main character.
Elves is about a group of evil creatures being awaken at Christmas time by a teenage girl and her friends. In this movie Elves are demonic beings that murder and destroy everything, a far stretch from the happy toymaking Santa buddies that we all know and love. Apparently in this movie they claim that the Nazis were obsessed with the elvish demons, not sure about that haha. The elves threaten the towns people and it is up to former detective Mike McGavin (Haggerty) to take them out.
The acting is pretty bad. Haggerty is ok but he’s kind of wooden at times, he has a resourceful tough guy approach but is understanding and warm at the same time. All the teenagers are pretty throw-away and just bad bad actors. Kirsten (blargh that name sucks) is the main girl that accidentally awakens the elves, she is played by Julie Austin. Kirsten’s little brother Willy is an odd character. There is a scene where Kirsten is showering and he’s spying on her. He’s spying on his own sister, yeah, she’s hot but that’s his sister lol. She catches him and says “I’m your fucking sister!” and he says my favorite line in the whole movie. “Yeah, you’ve got fucking big tits and I’m going to tell everybody I saw them!” Its lines like that, that kept me laughing during this movie. Another character of note is Kirsten and Willy’s grandpa that warns Kirsten about being in the woods and the bad things that can happen out there. Basically, he’s the crazy old man that knows about the elves the whole time.
The special effects aren’t too amazing. The little elf guys look kinda cool but I just don’t see them as elves more like gargoyles or something. All the kills are halfway decent, there aren’t any that are really standing out to me to make mention of, just lots of scratches and slashes from claws. Everything else is kind of corny and what you would expect from a killer elf movie.
There isn’t much I can really say from this movie, the acting is bad, the effects are average at best and the story is kind of convoluted. Not sure why they had to make Nazis involved in any way haha. I guess for Willy to ask Kirsten if everything is ok and for Kirsten to reply “No, Willy, Gramps is a Nazi.” This is a rather short review for me but probably because the movie is just underwhelming. I really wanted to like this more than I did, if it wasn’t for the odd quotes and silly dialogue, I wouldn’t have even written a review. I’ll probably never watch this again, it’s a solid D+ from me. Remember if your sister has fuckin big tits, you have to tell everyone that you saw them, it’s the law!
31 Horror Movies 